Overlapping voices In her head

i cant breathe, i just smashed a glass plate all over myself. and instead of picking it up i just...

Fri, 03 May 2013 22:41:50 -0400

i cant breathe, i just smashed a glass plate all over myself. and instead of picking it up i just sat in it crying.

i can’t talk to anyone. im always alone now. im potentially homeless again. i hate my entire situation. to top it all off my therapist is dropping me. im tired and i just fucking give up. im tired of trying to fix myself and make myself better for no reason.

im so over this week. im so over everything. Im ready to just swallow a handful of ativan cuz fuck it.

wow. cool. thannksss jason. i need to find a place to live.

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 20:45:31 -0400

wow. cool. thannksss jason.

i need to find a place to live.

When I was 13 or 14 my mom took my sister and I to this little island off of where we used to go to...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 19:49:13 -0400

When I was 13 or 14 my mom took my sister and I to this little island off of where we used to go to the beach together. She and all her coworkers rented this house out for the weekend. I remember being really excited to go. I remember while we were there Tara and I made friends with this older boy who was one of my moms coworkers sons. I want to say he was 16 or 17. I remember he was playing really rough with us. Throwing us around in the water and going after Tara and tickling her a lot.

Not too long after that Tara said she felt sick. And needed to go lay down. The stayed in bed for the rest of the day. She left me alone with him.
And I know she beats herself up for it still.
I don’t remember the boys name or what he even looked like. I remember after it got dark being lead through the woods to this dock off in a corner on the island.
After that is where I choose not to remember. I remember being held down, being slapped, hit with rocks when I yelled, being touched all over, looked at and inspected. I don’t remember much else other than finding my way back to the house on my own later that night crying and begging mom to take us home that night.

I was 13. That was my first encounter with a boy ever let alone speaking to one. I told myself it was okay and ignored it, I erased it from my mind. And for years and years made myself forget any little thing happened.

My first encounter with a boy I was treated like an object and hurt and abused. And In every relationship I’ve ever been in since I’ve asked to be treated such ways by the person I cared about. I guess I just think that’s how its supposed to be. I can’t at all shake that. I put myself in awful situations and make myself uncomfortable for the other person cuz i feel like thats what i’m supposed to do. even if they don’t like it.

I can’t talk about what happened, and i never have. at this point theres no point to bring it up, it happened almost 10 years ago, I made myself forget it, i dont even remember what he looked like. But i guess its always been in the back of my head. i always think of him when someone is touching me and hurting me.

im just week and i let a situation get the better of me when i was younger and never let it go. i am pathetic. I want to stop thinking about it, and i want to talk to my therapist about it but i cant, i can’t fucking do it.

ill just continue to let it happen to me. ill continue to ask people and let them abuse me cuz thats what i taught myself. i hate myself. i woke up today and its all i could think about. its all I’ve fucking thought about all day.

I can talk to Tara about it, shes the only one who i have talked to about it. but Tara, but she cries when we get close to talking about it, and thats why we dont talk anything anymore.

i just want to stop thinking about everything today. i just want to fucking sleep.

I needed this off my chest. and i know no one will see this anymore and thats ok. I can’t talk but i can write. and thats a first.

I deserve this

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 01:27:12 -0400

I deserve this

im sitting there fucking crying and i look over my shoulder and you’re staring at your...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 00:48:09 -0400

im sitting there fucking crying and i look over my shoulder and you’re staring at your phone.

and then you constantly sit there and tell me how im not good enough and make me feel stupid then walk out

what do you expect me to do. how do you expect me to be okay

after everything how do you expect me to fucking be supportive when it affects me like thos.

im fuckoing going to puke right now

and my knuckle is bleeding. im hysterical. this has been the worst fucking weekend ever just thanks. im so done with feeling like this

im going to swallow a whole bunch of these stupid pills or drown mtyself in the bathtumb thats sounds so great right now.

fuck everyone.

What fucking makes you think talking to me like that out of nowhere is ok and gets you fucking...

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 23:56:47 -0400

What fucking makes you think talking to me like that out of nowhere is ok and gets you fucking anywhere with me. I’m not a piece of fucking meat

I can’t see me living past the next 4 months. All I want is to just kill myself I feel so...

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 02:57:04 -0400

I can’t see me living past the next 4 months.
All I want is to just kill myself
I feel so sick

The pages of the note are numbered. That’s really cute … :/

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:07:45 -0400

The pages of the note are numbered.
That’s really cute … :/

I’m really not ok currently

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 16:04:22 -0400

I’m really not ok currently

I’m just over being hung up on stupid boys.

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 03:56:06 -0400

I’m just over being hung up on stupid boys.

You probs don’t want to follow this whiny blog so you should stop Just saying.

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 14:05:05 -0400

You probs don’t want to follow this whiny blog so you should stop

Just saying.

You know what’s enough to piss you off? Finding out your ‘friends’ had plans to...

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 08:34:42 -0400

You know what’s enough to piss you off?
Finding out your ‘friends’ had plans to break you and someone up for years
Oh.

Why is this girl in my apartment. And why is she creeping on my life.

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 19:30:41 -0400

Why is this girl in my apartment.
And why is she creeping on my life.

I’m not okay. And I never will be. I want to actually mean something to someone I don’t...

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 02:28:10 -0400

I’m not okay. And I never will be. I want to actually mean something to someone I don’t want to be a second choice. I hate the way I feel and I hate how unstable I’ve become. I’m tired of waking up every morning to the same thing. If this is how things are supposed to happen then I’d rather be dead.

One day soon you guys will wake up and I won’t be here. No one will notice and i wont feel a thing. Just let it happen cuz being here is too much. Just let this happen

Had a really good conversation with my sister tonight I want to work on fixing our relationship but...

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 00:03:02 -0400

Had a really good conversation with my sister tonight
I want to work on fixing our relationship but that will take some time
But I think I was a little too open about the shit going on in my life.. I feel bad

Wow I don’t want to exist. I’m going to kill myself

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 10:12:23 -0400

Wow I don’t want to exist. I’m going to kill myself

Oh god am I having a panic attack ‘.v fuck

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 03:03:44 -0400

Oh god am I having a panic attack ‘.v fuck

So Chelsea just told me earlier that on Sunday she’s going to the parade and what not which I...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 23:13:14 -0400

So Chelsea just told me earlier that on Sunday she’s going to the parade and what not which I figured. Which means she’s going to be drunk. which is whatever cuz i wont be home till 5 and she will be out doing this. but then she told me that she will be coming back to my apartment with Mk a few guys I don’t know. And they all have to spend the night because they will all be drunk. I really don’t want to deal with that. Nor do I feel comfortable with random drunk guys spending the night.
Im going to be tired from work and then super uncomfortable in my room with no door. I can’t tell her it’s not ok cuz it would be rude but yeah I’m not looking forward to that
I would very much not like to be home Sunday :/

Well hi It’s 6 in the morning I haven’t slept I’ve had an awful stressful day And...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 06:01:10 -0400

Well hi
It’s 6 in the morning
I haven’t slept
I’ve had an awful stressful day
And right now I am so sexually frustrated right now. And I want to be tossed around a little at the moment.

Make it go away this is out of nowhere
Or send help.
That too
Neat.

Wow

Sat, 09 Mar 2013 16:26:47 -0500

I want nothing more than to just slit my wrists as soon as I get home.
Sounds like a plan